November can be for some of us a really tough month. The weather is changing - for some of us on the globe finally to summer but also for lot's of people to winter times and it is getting miserable, rainy, grey and dark. We are spending more time at home and may start to reflect on the past year, we have certainly more time to think about what happened on the day or the week before and so on .... certainly doubts and thoughts of self-criticism arise as to what could have been done better. I am a classic example of that! Before I fall asleep I recap the day and what I have done and said .... and then I think of things I could have done better or should have not said .... However:
STOP being HARD to YOURSELF!!
Being hard on yourself is not only ineffective, but it is also a hard pattern to break. It requires consistent attention and practice. But how could you start to work on that pattern? Here are a few strategies that can help you on the path to taking a more balanced, emotionally equanimous approach to your performance.
To start, create psychological distance from your self-criticism by personifying it. For example, choose a silly name or a character from a movie or a book, e.g. you might want to name yours "the little monster". By the way: Mine is called "the little devil". :-)
Naming your inner critic leverages cognitive defusion - a process by which you separate yourself from your thoughts. Defusion is shown to reduce discomfort, believability, and the stress of negative thoughts. It also promotes psychological flexibility, or the capacity to steady your mind, manage your emotions, and be aware, open, and adaptive to changing demands.
As a next "learning" you could then - and that is a massive pattern to break - try to avoid generalization! This will help you to keep an eye on the bigger picture. Sometimes we tent to focus on a single event as if the spotlight would be just on it and generalize that for every other situations. We call that phenomenon the spotlight effect - a tendency in which you misjudge and overestimate how much attention others pay to your behavior.
To combat the spotlight effect, consider your performance on aggregate versus zeroing in on a singular negative event. Think of a bell curve: you'll likely perform average or higher than average most days. Some days will be below average, and that's normal. Keep an eye on the bigger picture. I would suggest you are also trying to avoid using extreme statements like "I always mess up", "I'll never get my voice heard", and "This happens every time". These beliefs will not allow you to get out of your self-criticism!
Another strategy then is to try to consider what could go right in equal measure with what could go wrong and flip the "what if" narrative!
The human mind is wired to make meaning and answer questions. The sensitive brain, in particular, is adept at making connections and anticipating eventualities. Studies have shown that sensitive people have more active mental circuitry and neurochemicals in areas related to attention, action-planning, decision-making, and having strong internal experiences.
This means that as a sensitive striver you have the power to channel your thinking with greater precision. Make better use of your brain power by posing more constructive questions. Specifically, consider what could go right in equal measure with what could go wrong. For example:
- What if the senior leadership team loves my presentation?
- What if this idea isn't stupid, but is the breakthrough that moves the project forward?
- What if this proposal revolutionizes how we work as a team?
Once you have managed to change some of the above pattern, try to time-box your negative feelings if they come up: set a timer and allow yourself to fully experience and process your emotions during that period. Being hard on yourself can ruin your mood, focus, and productivity if you let it. Luckily, shame and humiliation - two emotions that are common with self-criticism - are shown to only last between 30 to 50 minutes. Take advantage of this fact by time-boxing your feelings: set a timer and allow yourself to fully experience and process your emotions during that period. Once the timer goes off, make a conscious choice about how to move forward. Define how you want to feel and what actions gets you closer to that feeling state.
And finally, expand your definition of success by broadening your scope of what qualifies as a "win". As a sensitive striver, you likely have a tendency to define achievement in a hyper-specific way, that is, complete and total excellence at all times. You don't need to lower your bar, achieving the desired outcome isn't always in your control, so broaden your definition of success to include:
- Overcoming resistance or fear
- Pushing back and standing up for what you think is right
- Approaching a situation with a different mindset or attitude
- Taking a small step toward a goal
Take a few moments at the end of your workday to reflect not only on your professional highlights (praise, recognition, positive reviews, etc.), but also to consider moments where you made yourself proud. Acting in integrity with your values is the true definition of success.
Once you tamp down the tendency to be hard on yourself, you'll be able to more fully leverage your sensitivity and ambition as the gifts they are.
